Schlatter: Dez Bryant has spent his offseason invoking ruckus in the name of saggy pants


Dez Bryant has spent his offseason invoking ruckus in the name of saggy pants
Josiah Schlatter
NBC Sports

Dez Bryant

Looks like someone’s been trying to follow in the misguided footsteps of Michael Irvin just a bit too closely. In the alternate life Dez Bryant leads away from his football field domination, he seems to be that kid in third grade who either inexplicably can’t seem to figure out how to follow any of the rules, or consciously spends his day trying to break them all.

Like the greatest stories from my youth, it all started because Bryant was crawling the mall with pants that were just a bit too saggy, ending with a 90-day ban from the NorthPark Center mall and a criminal trespass warning that can result in an arrest if he chooses to return. In between is a story of inflated ego, excess and hissy fits that would make a cranky three-year-old spending a day without his dose of Tonka toys stop his whining to whip out pen and paper and jot down some notes.

Bryant apparently has had a few altercations with mall authorities in the past. He was reprimanded once for cutting in line at the Apple store, which he justified by saying he had agreed to pay for the item of the person who let him into the line ahead of him, because that’s how rich people think. But what about all of the people BEHIND the guy you’re paying for, Dez!? Are you going to pay for them too!?

He was also asked to leave the mall after a ‘major disturbance’ at the mall’s PF Chang Chinese bistro after getting into an argument with a woman he had been eating with. And now his pants are too saggy.

When the incident occurred, Bryant initially refused to leave the mall explaining that he wanted to wait until [his representation] arrived to make sure the incident didn’t get blown out of proportion. [Editor’s note: TOO LATE!]

“What the [expletive]. You stopped me like I stole something,” Bryant was quoted in the report, which also states that Bryant has a history of problems at the mall and a pattern of bad behavior.

Even faced with clear, indisputable evidence that he was showing too much boxer brief, Bryant stood by his hanging butt.

“It really wasn’t me in the wrong,” Bryant said Tuesday. “It’s not even an issue.”

“I told the guy I’m not trying to get in trouble,” Bryant said. “I’m not trying to destroy my image. The [warning] wasn’t toward me. I was trying to figure out what was going on. It was a big misunderstanding. I was the wrong guy.”

You see, my FRIEND was showing too much butt, not me. They got the wrong guy!

After calling on the valet service to retrieve his car, Bryant then sat his vehicle in a fire lane until his friends finally convinced him to get over himself and leave. That fire lane incident resulted in another police citation.

Storm’s over, right? All Dez has to do is avoid a little Dallas area mall for 90 days and his problems are meaningless. One problem with this plan: Dez Bryant doesn’t understand the idea of a 90-day banning. He tweeted yesterday, “Headed to North Park tomorrow to get these Lebrons….I am not banned from North park lol.”

According to the Dallas Morning News, Bryant actually was banned. It’s just that the police report was filed after he left the mall, so he might not know about it.

SOMEBODY STOP THAT MAN!! Or disguise him before he leaves the house.

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